So if some of you have been following this blog since the beginning (by following I imagine glancing at the occasional automatic update on facebook…..which I think has ceased since the introduction of the timeline shizz), you might remember my first post about the faithfulness and goodness of God in my first year of Uni. 

If not, here it is :http://greatisyourname.tumblr.com/post/8978356886/the-faithfulness-and-goodness-of-god

Back in Leicester for Summer after another incredible year down in the sunny south, I’ve decided to reflect on and testify about God’s faithfulness and goodness. So like in

Habakkuk 2:2 “Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that whoever reads it may run with it.” 

I hope that in reading this you become inspired to run that good race, to seek the Father who’s glory will be displayed (well a reflection of that), in some of the ways he’s moved in my life in the past year. 

Pow! A diary would be really useful in times like this.. I suppose this is kinda my diary! :D And I don’t mind my brothers reading it :P

As convention dictates, let’s commence at the beginning. 

Let’s picture the scene. It’s Bristol. October. I’ve just moved into the flat with Tim and I’m carrying such a burden of judgement. Me and Tim love each other, yet I felt so much judgement from him, a mirage spawned by insecurity (Tim loves me and we’ve had a deep convo about that time in the year), yet the fantasy was nonetheless crippling. Tumbling into the experiences only replicated in my times of depression I felt scared. I was better… So what was this??? 

Thankfully, a friend Kate offered me refuge at her place for an evening, bringing some clarity about the non-existent judgement. (Ok it did linger for a lot longer, but that evening was vital in the battle of the first few weeks). 

Slowly, I realised my insecurities I thought me and God had dealt with had really been hiding behind the curtains at night, waiting for a power-cut.

“Where’s God in this?” You ask. Well, this is just the scene setting for the hero to come along and save the day. Try fascinating your nephew as you read him the ‘Everything was great, and then the hero turned up, but everything was great.’ bedtime story. (Don’t get me wrong, life is great because we have a hero, but that kinda story comes later).

Anyways, back to the poorly written narrative (this keyboard had stiff keys which are giving me a good old practice of patience….well a good old argharahgash help me Jesus cuz this is driving me crazy). We join Anthony struggling with a feeling of judgement and still battling (doesn’t really look like a battle, more of a beating), with insecurities from the Summer. Unfortunately, this continued right through into Christmas. 

Yay.

Twas fun……Well, that kind of fun that’s totally not fun at the time, but kinda fun afterwords in reflection…..(So, not fun).

Boom. Something shifted over Christmas. I’d like to say the clouds parted and the hand of God came down and lifted the heavy burden off my shoulders. But that would be a fabrication, at least, physically that didn’t happen :P. All I know…. It was Jesus. 

Which reminded me of the word I got given by God for the year. (I’ve had words for each year and all the terms from God about what he was going to release over Bristol and Liberation was the word for 2012). Honestly, I felt it was liberation in the CU, as Christians stopped being such middle class hypocrites and started looking like Jesus. That did happen, but a lotta of the liberation actually was in my own life. (See if you can see that theme in the rest of this post)

This year I continued on serving as one of the Orbital CU leaders. Wow, what an experience. Expecting to see Jesus in the Bible Studies or In the mission events I was shocked when his beauty was perfectly displayed in my weakness. 

Week after week. Unceasingly, I failed. Pride crippled and energy expelled, I discovered hidden facets to Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. The heart of surrender as Jesus traded the glorious comfort with the inconvenience that was us. Discovering what it meant to choose not only to try and meet in the middle with disagreements, but to actively pursue someone where they’re at. Regardless of how far or how unusual, I saw what it meant to sacrifice as I worked in a team of individuals who had such different needs to me. 

But it was incredible. What a joy it was as my heart was changed to desire someone else over my own selfish comfortable life. 

It’s funny how God knew I needed that experience for things later in the year, such as seeking friendship with the homeless. The guys on the streets would see through any ‘act’ of charity leaving the encounter hollow. I needed to know how to love, and boy I’ve seen such fruit in that. Befriending the people that others just ignore or see as charity rather than as human beings has been life-changing. 

As Shane Claiborne puts it (when talking about his adventures in living a life like Jesus) “I found that I was just as likely to meet God in the sewers of the ghetto as in the halls of academia. I learned more about God from the tears of homeless mothers than any systematic theology has ever taught me.”

I also had the joy of continuing the prayer on the streets with Karenza and co this year, but also with added recruits. Walking out into the streets of Bristol as boisterous clubbers made there way out for the night and as they meandered there was home, we had the privilege to pray for some and see His Kingdom come on Earth as it is in Heaven with healings and encounters with their maker who delights in them.

Here’s an example of one of our journeys out this year. http://greatisyourname.tumblr.com/post/11111366139/he-loves-bristol-d

Another adventure into the uncertain was the Noise! For those who don’t know, the noise is a huge community action thing in Bristol. Their slogan is “Showing God’s love in practical ways.” http://www.thenoise.org.uk/

Excited for another year like 2011, I was expecting to don the gardening gloves, spade and hedge-trimmers as we recreated something of ground force. I was surprised to have been put on the prayer ministry team (of 4), and was sent to go round an area of North Bristol praying for people on the streets. (Suppose I should of been aware I did select that as the team I desired to be on). 

Hitting the streets, we discovered as per usual. People weren’t really interested in conversation, let alone prayer. The few brave people who said yes, didn’t want prayer right there, leaving us deflated, but content to seek Jesus over these people, hoping and expecting change. 

Renz heard we had be required back at base to do some heavy lifting (totally out of my comfort zone). Dejected and desperate for a breakthrough I saw these 4, 50/60 year old ‘Ard blokes (you can tell by the spelling of hard), having a fag outside a pub. Of all the people I met on the walk, these were the least I expected to want prayer from me, an excitable mathematician from the North. 

But desperate I approached these guys. Consequently, one of the guys started to get aggressive with me, asking if I was a “preacher”, or gonna “Bible bash” him. Still maintaining hope and after very rapid questions between me and God about whether to run I persevered in loving him.

BAM!

He suddenly said he wanted prayer for his throat cancer (you could hear it). I knew Jesus told me to hang around! So I embraced him and began to pray Jesus’ blood of this guy. Consequently, he began to get emotional and tear up as he encountered the love of Jesus displayed on that cross because God so desired him he pursued him. He pursued him through my simple prayer outside a put at 11am.

But what about all that personal Liberation? Oh yeah!

So as a Christian, I’ve always believed it possible to be free from stress. I mean, God has my future planned out and it’s incredible (by his standards not the worlds.) I’d talk about surrendering my desires over to Him, but every time it got to exams the hypocrisy would display itself vibrantly across every area of my life. Consumed about exams, every conversation was peppered with doubt and worry.

But these last exams I realised that it doesn’t matter. You know what, it really is in His hands. All I gotta do is try my best, and I did that. So it’s ok.

Wow, what freedom. I entered the exams with such a light heart. Often emerging from the exam halls after an impressive beating by the paper, yet I remained unphased. Eyes fixed to prize set before me. (Philippians 3:13)

2012 was also a year of walking in victory of sexual temptation. Yes, the grip of pornography over my life was loosened and has been thrown off as I walk in the beauty of purity. But the freedom doesn’t come from the length of success, it comes from the truth that God doesn’t see me any favourable if I’ve survived a year or 2 days. He see’s his Son on the cross, my past mistakes are dead on the cross. 

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, that person is a new creation. The old has gone, the new is here!”

It’s strange how that realizing that my performance doesn’t define me actually was the key in being able to break free from the addiction of pornography and masturbation.

So there’s some liberation in my own life! 

I guess this is massive and if you’ve made it this far, you probably not a mathematician and enjoy your reading. Or you’re a friend of mine :D

As my back starts to ache from this awful chair I’m perched on, and my bed beckons my tired body, I’ll end with some fun I got to have at a church service in Bath a few weeks ago.

Fathers are amazing. My own Dad is incredible, as you’ve probably heard if you follow my blog. But I love seeing men, especially fathers (as they tend to be of a generation that find it hard to express their feelings and have years of repressed emotion). So whenever I have the freedom to pray, I love hunting them down and watching them encounter Daddy’s love as the floodgates open.

This was the same in Bath. As soon as I felt free to I got to go and show some love to 2 or 3 men, each of them receiving love and freedom to deal with some of the mess they’ve been carrying. 

But one guy stood out for me. I forget his name unfortunately, but he looked uncomfortable. I was doing a last minute prowl, after the end of service, trying to seek Jesus’ heart in the room. After spying this obviously awkward bloke I pursued him. After a few brief words I deduced he wasn’t a Christian and was dragged along to this Bethel Worship conference thing (for those of you know Bethel, that’s in the deep end). Anyway, filled with love for this guy I prayed over him and got to witness this guy encounter the Father’s love for the first time. Emotionally, we embraced (always fun). Thankful, I walked away in the knowledge that that experience is and would be massive in his life. 

God is soooo FAITHFUL AND GOOD!! Yess!!!

Much Love,

Anthony xx

Oh Hai!

Just thought I’d do some rambling, because I get’s the juices flowing…whatever that means? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EDr9c-oxdU the fact that people put videos such as this the internet fascinates me. People are amazing, they behave in such wonderfully weird ways.

Today has been graced with beautiful interactions with beautiful people.

I had a linear algebra exam today so I had a reason to emerge from my sanctuary of revision to meander down the Wills memorial building. This journey consequently took me past my favorite big issue seller Tony. 

I’m a big fan of Tony. Tbh, I don’t know anyone who has had the pleasure of crossing his path to disagree. After emerging after 45 minutes (out of 2 and a half hours) I got to chill with him and just bask in his presence. After spending most of my past 2 weeks in my room, I’ve forgotten about the joy of just sharing life and witnessing hidden quirks which make communication so fulfilling and exciting.

Whilst tidying some of my revision notes in preparation of the battle which will commence soon with ordinary differential equations 2, I discovered a letter from my  compassion kid Rayimwende asking numerous things such as the seasons we have were I live and if I have any Kids. Which did give me a good laugh and was enough to ignite my dreams of fatherhood. 

Surprised at the content of the conversation and glimpsing what lies in this little boys heart. Struggling between limitations of space, neatness of my handwriting and what my response in this continual conversation shall be. I takes up to 4 months for my letter to arrive, and in an age of instant access to people, my words had to be chosen carefully. In this struggle I decided my heart was the best place to share from.

My 3rd and final fascinating insight into conversations and interactions between people was between God and Isreal in 1 Samuel. 

So the backdrop is Isreal have demanded Samuel for a King, they want to be ruled over even though God is and always has been. God decides to honour that request and appoint Saul King. Yeah I know, something I didn’t expect either. 

Imagine that. You’re a Father of Isreal, leading them out of captivity, providing for them abundantly and loving your children. And they go they want a leader, a Father. Ouch. 

So Samuel reveals this and then Israel realize how they’ve hurt God and the response is this “”Do not be afraid”, Samuel replied. “You have done all this evil; yet do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. Do not turn after useless idols. They can do you no good, nor can they rescue you, because they are useless. For the sake of his great name the Lord will not reject his people because the lord was pleased to make you his own.”

Wow, another incredible interaction. 

Yet I miss these kind of things all the time, too busy motoring on through life while beauty oozes out of everyone.

Let’s enjoy those moments more.

Much Love, Ant x

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I’ve been wanting to write this for a long, long time. 

Paul Higginson! What a man. 

For those who don’t know, Paul Higginson is my Dad. (see above). An incredible man and the person I admire, respect and honour more than anyone else in this world (well for peace let’s say joint with my mum ;) (above)).

So what’s so special about my Dad? 

Let’s set the scene!

Higginson household total = 3.

All is gravy. There’s a lot of love, but My Dad always wanted a boy. So after 3 attempts at IVF Bam! 

We got success. So my Mum’s getting all big, as they do. But she’s abnormally big……. Some would say 3x as big? Haha, oh…. it’s triplets…..

Well, “Houston we have a problem.” We’re gonna need a bigger car, and house. And  more food, and time, and energy and generally 3x more everything.

But my Mum and Dad being totally boss’ they accept this challenge gladly (I hope :P). Anthony, James and Christopher enter this world to a Father who is gladly sacrificing numerous opportunities and luxury’s because he loves his sons. 

I grew up in an amazing family, always loved, always with surplus. My dreams were possible, I was taught I could do anything, always encouraged to explore the impossible. Unaware of what it took for that to happen. I grew up a happy chappy.

As intrigue grew and the reality of life dawned on me. Stories of lives not like mine started to cause me to question how was it all possible. How did I live with such comfort, such joy?

Fantasy jobs took on different forms. Zoo Keeper, Policeman, Teacher, Business Man, Doctor, Missionary, Actuary etc, etc. But all of them were possible.

My passion for maths grew and the avenues of growth in my ability became clear, I started to apply for universities and continued to dream.

But how?

My Dad was good at maths, like me. He’s 56 now (wouldn’t of guessed that from the pic!), so he did the 11+ exams. Unfortunately, he got placed into an exam he hadn’t been taught, so consequently was shipped off to one of the lower schools. Filled with students who had no hope. The teaching was poor, there was no affirmation, nor expectation of greatness in the students. Consequently, he came out with no hope for University.

So he started work. And worked. I found out my Dad has been at his job nearly 30 years now.

He’s hated every day.

He’s not passionate about what he does.

He barely gets paid anything.

He’s counted down the days of retirement for many years now.

Everyday, as i grew up, my Dad would get on his bicycle and head out at 7:30 am, rain, wind, snow, whatever and cycle to town nearly 6 miles away, returning at 6:30 pm. 

Why? Because he wanted me, my brothers and sister to have a life were dreams were possible. Where we could go to university, were we had the chance to do a job we loved. Something he never had. 

Imagining doing a job that I didn’t enjoy is nauseating. Quitting would be easy. Not for a Man who has to support his family and holds the dreams of his children at a higher price than his own.

Yeah, a Boss.

But there is so much more.

The love my Dad has for my Mum is inspirational. Unfaithfulness is becoming common place, problems in marriages arise and the separation is an option often taken. (Something which I grieve, with those who have experienced that. I’m sorry).

But my parents have worked at it. Always loving, sacrificing and accommodating for each other and for us.  Growing up with that as an example has shaped me and has given me an the hope to recreate such a relationship in a world where such a thing is considered out dated and boring. 

Little Anthony was never as athletic as his two brothers, but my Dad was there to impart his football skills. His cricket skills…..(yeah maybe stick to football Dad :P), etc. 

Fumbling through life I was a young protege and he was my Mentor.

(You may recognize this next bit Dad from the email I sent you in first year, but it’s still true and I want to repeat it) (The Tense my change, but this is for my Dad.)

“The Dad who took me to hospital when i broke my arm. (albeit 2 weeks late)

The Dad who walked me round bloc when my heart was broken my an ex girl friend.

The Dad who used to sit next to me in Parents Evening with such a proud look on his face, that made all the hard work worthwhile. (Seriously, I was so excited to see your face. To know that I made you proud.)

The Dad who I found such a joy seeing happy and laughing. That’s why I treasured watching Mock the Week with you. I love seeing you laugh more than anyone. I would watch your face during that show, unaware of the jokes, but waiting, reveling in the joy on your face.

The Dad who would of taken me to the the middle of nowhere if I was getting suicidal again. 

The Dad who I could approach about everything and anything. When I told you about my struggles with Suicide, you listen, appreciated and could share your experiences. I was fearing you wouldn’t understand, and I know many other people who would of ignored it/changed the subject because it was heavy and scary. But you gave me incredible advice and supported me as I was vulnerable before you and hurting.

The Dad who guided me through a new city over the phone as I got lost in Bristol. I was free! A man, in a new city, yet I could phone home on the first night, desperate for his Daddy’s help to find home.

The Dad that walked my beautiful sister down the aisle. Whose face displayed your love of Zoe, how proud you were and what it means to sacrifice everything so that she could dream and live that dream.

The Dad that will who will be at my graduation. 

The Dad who will see the beautiful woman I get to call wife and I’ll need for advice and support as I freak out.

The Dad who will become the granddad of my children. Wow. I’m so excited and hungry for my children to meet their Granddad.

The Dad who sacrificed it all, who loves his family like no other. The Dad who is such a model husband. “

He works all year long so my mum and Dad can go on cruises to somewhere hot like the Mediterranean….. My Dad doesn’t do the heat, so he sits in the shade. 

Why? Because my Mum loves it and he loves her.

When I asked my Dad about why he did it all he responded with something which wrecked me and will stay with me.

“Because when you have a goal in life, you’ll give up anything for it. For me it was having Son’s and I have that.” 

With no regret. The sacrifice is totally worth it, because it pails in comparison to his Love for me. 

Dad, I love you.

I respect, admire and miss you. 

I write this all not to boast, but to thank you. You are incredible to me, and I thank God for such an incredible man to have been such a fundamental role model in my life. 

See you soon in the less so sunny Midlands. I need to work now! :P

Love, Ant xx

The Honour Roll? It’s a little project I’m starting. It’s gonna be a place where I list people I love, respect and want to honour for their impact in my life.

It’s been something I’ve desired to implement in my blog for ageeessss, but I only felt the go ahead last night; fueled by these two incredible people Alex and Alf. 

Initially my intention was always to start with my Dad, Paul Higginson,(probably the person I respect the most in this life. One of my biggest role models and a massive influence in my life, which is saying somthing if you knew how incredible my Mum is!) but that’s gonna take some time writing and I don’t have that time today. 

So who are Alex and Alf?

I’m not really that sure to be honest…. haha

So, I turned 20 yesterday (Wooo). And I’d just been to my second party (feeling thoroughly loved by my Rachkhay and Maths/Favell peeps) of the night, at the other side of town. As I made my way back through Bristol city centre at 2:30 am, I was overwhelmed by the brokeness of all the people. 

Grown men, stumbling over each other, threats and football chants filled the as the alcohol took the reins. Vomit spewing left right and center.  

Just the usual. I’m not judging, I’ve been there a fair few times before.

Compassion overwhelmed me as I watched desires of their hearts replaced with this hollow expression of joy.

But what could I do? Praying I walked through, smiling trying to show love, by chilling with a homeless guy, sorry a homeless human being…..Because he is treated less like one in day, even when the wealthy students of Bristol who campaign for justice and boast of their philanthropic adventures in the gap year. 

So who’s gonna say hi, give life to his dreams and hopes at night, surrounded by the walking dead?

But who’s Alex and Alf?

I’m getting there….

Walking up Whiteladies road, on the home stretch, my bed awaits! Wooo. Fortunately, my eyes glimpse this figure who can barely walk; swaying side to side, rolling on the floor, parallel to one of the busiest roads at 2 am Bristol. Taxis, speeding back and forth in a mad rush to pick up the weary clubbers and their hefty wallets. 

Running over to pick him up and take this guy home, with expectations of a 5 minute walk and a fruitful conversation quickly evaporating as I said hi.

His name is Ross, that’s about all I could get of him, as we meandered down Whiteladies; his few words slurred and practically understandable.

My naievity was evident as I continued to drag him further and further, Ross mastering the skill of trying to drag me over as he almost smashes his head on walls or the road. Constantly fearing and the inevitable expectation that I’m gonna have the contents of Ross’ dinner and the vast array of drink all down me. 

Here we introduce the heroes of the story and two people who showed me the beauty of the human heart, bringing hope and restoration to my heavy one, hurting from seeing the hurt of Bristol City Centre.

Alex and Alf saw us dancing around the pavement and decided to check we were ok. Their surprise of my practical no knowledge of who this guy was or where he lived fueled theories of how to solve this problem. My inexperience showed, but thankfully these guys had been in this position before; as another brother had fallen victim to the all so allusive promises alcohol brings.

Checking for the last number he called…..phone was dead. 

Trying to get some idea where we going instead of meandering through Bristol as this time bomb swayed, projection swaying from me to Alex and Alf, who were dressed very smartly, so probably had greater objections to the vomit of Ross. 

Interrogation complete we deduced he had no key, something verified with a friendly search. But we also discovered he lived far, far away. 

Wishfully, we tried to find a compassionate taxi driver that would be willing to take the risk of Ross and me in the back. None of them were having it…..

What to do?

Alex and Alf decided to take Ross home and just let him crash at theirs; even though it was clear that the volcano was ready to blow.

Wow.

I was overwhelmed that these guys who didn’t know me or Ross would take him and care for him, that this brotherhood surpasses character and any investment in the relationship between these guys and this random, ridiculously drunk Bio student.

I struggle at times with a some judgement with the elite of Bristol Uni, as you probably can tell from reading this (mainly because I fear that I’m being judged so get defensive. God’s working in me, I’m a work in progress).

Yet these two guys who very much belonged that social class, didn’t consider it a boundary. They were humans like me and Ross and showed compassion and love that makes life oh so sweet.

So I wanted to honour these two men. I doubt they’ll ever read this, or if I ever see this, but that’s not the point. 

Much love.

Ant (20 years and 1 day old)

xx